Move on easy
by HelloKitty87
Summary: Takes place after Season 3. Michelle thinks about the situation she's in after Tony was arrested as a traitor. My first story, please R
1. Move on Easy

Move on easy?

It was dark outside and cold. The rain was crackling  
hard against the windows. There had been a lightning.

The bad weather made her feel uncomfortable, but not  
scared. She already had enough other reasons to be  
scared. But it wasn't the fact that she was alone in  
that house which was far too big for one person alone.  
And it wasn't the fact that the weather was so bad and  
she didn't know when she would be able to leave this  
house again.

The only fact that really scared her was that she  
didn't know how she should go on.

Everything seemed so senseless to her. No hope was  
left since this morning.

She was sitting in one corner of the huge black  
leather couch, her knees drawed up, her eyes sad and  
dull.

She had made it her priority to stop crying. But  
sometimes a few tears managed to leave her eyes and  
run down her cheek. But she didn't even notice  
anymore.

She had cried too many tears since he had to go to  
prison.

But today was different. Different than all the other  
days and all the other tears.

Although it had been 6 months by now she could still  
remember the day as if it had been just yesterday.

Tony had put her well being above the country's and  
was thrown into prison as a traitor. But all he had  
done was saving her life.

That was when a hard time began for the two of them.

She tried so visit him as often as possible. Tried to  
be there for him because she knew it wasn't easy for  
him in prison.

Of course it wasn't easy for her either but she didn't  
show it in front of Tony.

She pretended to be the strong wife, tried to make him  
believe that he didn't need to care about her, that  
she was alright.She played that role good, kept her emotions always  
under control when she was visiting him. She would've  
needed help too. But she always thought she owed him  
this being strong. He needed her now more than ever.  
Needed her to be the strong part of their  
relationship. Anything she wanted was just to be there  
for him and not caring about how she was feeling.

It continued this way for six other months. The trial  
began during this time. Michelle didn't miss a day of  
it. She was always at Tony's side. Motivated him when  
he had the feeling that everything would fail.

She ignored it when he was rude with her because she  
knew how hard it was for him, considering what he  
could lose.

She missed him so much, especially when she was alone  
at home. At home - where everything reminded her of  
him. It was hard to sleep at night in the bed they had  
always slept together - with one difference: the other  
side of it was empty. And than there were those  
thoughts every night that kept her from sleeping. She  
blamed herself. It was her fault that Tony was in  
prison now. That was what she always told herself.

Of course she never told Tony about that. That  
wouldn't fit into her role as the tough wife. And Tony  
wouldn't understand. He would tell her that she was  
wrong, but nothing he could ever say could change her  
mind.

All she hoped for was that the trial would end in a  
good way and Tony would be able to come home again.

The days in front of the judge were exhausting.  
Michelle just wished that this time of trials ended  
soon. It was so hard to live like this, without  
knowing what was going to happen next.

And then finally the day came. The day of the  
judgement.

Michelle hadn't slept the whole night. She had been  
too nervous.

Her legs had been shaking when she had entered the  
courthouse and she was glad when she found her seat.

She knew that she would leave the courtroom today with  
the certainty of how Tony's life would go on.

It scared her in a way. She was afraid.

What would she just do if he was sent to prison?

She didn't want to think about it. She blocked this  
thought out as much as she could. But it came back to  
haunt her.

From this moment on the time past real slow but  
finally the judge raised his voice and announced the  
judgement.

As Michelle heard it, her eyes filled with tears. She  
couldn't believe it.

She fell back into her seat.

Then started to cry without stopping to face Tony.

Tony was led out of the courtroom looking back at her  
while she was losing the control of her emotions for  
the first time in six months in front of him.

It took half an hour for the others to calm her at  
least a bit.

Everything had been in vain. She had gone through this  
hard time to suffer now more than ever before? This  
couldn't be true. Must be a nightmare.

She was shivering. Couldn't control her feet. Was  
trembling with every step she took.

It was too much, she couldn't realize the situation.

"Come on, let's go" Jack said about 40 minutes after  
the judgement. She was still sitting in that cold room  
where, 40 minutes ago, Tony's life, her life - it was  
their life together that had been ruined.

Without knowing where he would lead her she followed  
him with shaking feet. Looking down to the floor  
unable to stop her tears from falling.

Jack brought her into a room with just a desk, a lamp  
and 2 chairs. Tony was sitting on one. His hands  
cuffed, watched by a guard.

"You have 5 minutes", Jack said and gave the guard a  
sign that he should leave the room. Jack followed him.

Michelle understood immediately that this was just an  
arrangement Jack had made with someone who owed him a  
favour.

She took the seat opposite Tony and reached out for  
his hand but he didn't let her in.

"Tony," she started and tears flowed down her face. Her  
emotions took control of her now.

She wanted to say something, but just couldn't. She  
wanted to hold him so bad, but couldn't.

Tony just remained silent which didn't make it easier  
for her.

She tried to calm down and started to speak again  
although it was hard: "I can't believe this. They can't  
tear us apart for such a long time. I don't want to  
lose you" she was crying even harder now.

But Tony didn't react, he didn't even look at her.  
Michelle felt like she was sitting in front of a  
sculpture made of ice.

"I will always be there for you. Are you listening to  
me? You should never forget that you're the man I love  
and always will love and although it will be so hard  
for me without you, everything I need is to know that  
you're alive!"

She looked at Tony just waiting for any reaction.

But he didn't move and was just looking at his tied  
hands.

Then, suddenly, he shook his head and looked right  
into her face.

"Stop it Michelle!" he said with a rough voice, "It's  
over. You don't need to keep standing beside me. Start  
a new life with somebody else than the traitor that I  
am. You're good at your job, you do it and forget me!"

He was yelling now.

"You know what? Maybe it's better for you, not having  
to live with someone who was so weak to give up his  
job just to save the woman he loves. Forget about our  
life, Michelle! Just move on, do what you like!"

He was looking directly into her face, but avoided her  
eyes, the sad look they gave him.

Michelle needed a few seconds just to realize what he  
had just said.

Tony got up and knocked at the door. The guard opened  
it immediately and led Tony away.

"No", Michelle cried. „Tony, wait. I need to talk to you.  
I love you honey, I love you so much. Don't do this to  
me!"

She screamed so loud that it could be heard through  
the whole hall.

She wanted to follow Tony and the guard. But Jack and  
another guard had to keep her back. She collapsed onto  
the floor just crying.

"How could I move on? Tell me! You owe me at least THIS  
explanation!" , she shouted, crying even harder.  
Kneeing on the floor, not noticing what was going on  
around her.

And now here she was sitting on the couch waiting for  
answers. Why had he done this to her? How could she  
ever forget about the man that saved her life, gave  
himself and his career up to make sure that she's  
safe. How could she ever move on easy?

By HelloKitty  
Beta-Read: Jimmi24


	2. Let Her Go

**Let her go**

The grey stone walls, the hard iron bed, the small barred window.  
That was everything Tony got to see all day long. During such a long time, he must  
have known every little spot of the surfaces of these objects.

But what else could he do the whole day except for observing the  
furniture?  
The only thing left to do was just thinking. That was what he tried to  
avoid most. Because thinking meant to think of her. To see her  
beautiful face clearly in his mind. To feel her tender, lovely smelling skin   
somehow.

These thoughts were driving him crazy.

Because it reminded him of the past - the most beautiful time in his life.

And he wished he could get this time back, every night. He was longing  
for her so bad.

Wanted to touch her, to kiss her, to feel her.

But all he could do was sitting in his cell all day long and hoping  
that she was alright.

And somehow it was enough, no, it had to be enough for him.  
Because he had made a decision never to see her again.

And even if it broke his heart, made him suffer even harder and  
sometimes let him doubt why he was going through this hard time,  
was he sure that he had done the right thing.

It wasn't right for him but it had only been fair, considering that she still  
had a life to live, he didn't.

He had fought hard with himself, but the result had been,  
no matter how he wanted to twist it, that the only  
thing he could do was to let her go.

Let her go for a new life without him, with another man.

This fact made him go insane every night. Thinking of somebody  
else lying on the side of their bed were he had used to sleep.

And if he was honest to himself he hoped so much that this wasn't  
happening. But on the other hand, he wanted her to begin a new life  
and to be happy again, that was his priority. Because of this, he  
couldn't really blame her for doing this.

Especially after he had left her crying in the courthouse with so many  
unanswered questions.

Sometimes he even feared that she hated him now for how he had treated  
her.

He wanted to give her the missing answers. Wanted to sort it all out.  
If he only could show her why he had done it. But then his plan would have  
failed, good for him, but bad for her and he just wanted her to be  
happy. She deserved it.

So it was impossible to tell her, he knew it, but even given these  
circumstances, he often dreamed of leaving prison and living with  
her again, solving all the problems before, to start a new beautiful  
life with her. Michelle. The woman he loved more than his own life,  
than his own career.

He knew why he was here. Because he loved her. Because everything he  
had wanted was just to make sure that she's safe.

For her he would have given even more than his life. He didn't regret  
what he had done even if he considered his everyday life in prison which was  
rough and boring.

She was worth it. That was one of the thoughts which kept him alive.  
He could deal with all the things, all the problems in prison, the hard  
life, that he missed her so bad, that he suffered so much but one thing  
was burning on his mind.

The picture that was left in his mind of Michelle when she was crying   
for him, almost lying on the floor of the courthouse, begging him to give  
her an answer.

He saw this picture every day, every minute he spent in prison.

It must have made her think that he doesn't love her and that was not  
true. It was the opposite that was true.

The reason why he had been acting like that was just the endless love  
he felt for her.

It had been his plan and it hadn't failed.

He had acted like that to make it easier for her to start a life without him.

Now he had to live with the consequences.

They were still married, and he even got letters from her that he never  
read. Because they would have made him doing things he couldn't do.  
Just because he wanted to make a new life possible for her.

He had all those letters under his pillow, was fighting so often with  
himself because he wanted to read what she wanted to tell him.

But he remained strong, even if it made him feel sad and lonely,  
because he thought it was better for her, but he didn't know how  
wrong he was.

If he had only read those letters.

by HelloKitty  
Beta-Read: Jim


	3. The Life Without Him

**The Life Without Him**

Tony was been being in prison for 3 months by now.  
Michelle was living alone in their house since then. It was kind of weird for her to live there alone. Not just because it was far too big for one person alone, but there were still all of his things:

His clothes, his personal stuff, things he had bought, presents, pictures.  
And she had changed nothing.

Everything was like she just expected him to come home again or even as if he had never been away.  
But the truth was that she was too weak to put that stuff away.  
She clung herself onto those memories although she knew that it was completely foolish.  
Once she had tried to put those things into boxes and bring them into the cellar. Throwing them away hat never been an opportunity for her. The result had been that she had started to cry badly and she had spent hours to put the things onto their proper places again.

But she couldn't also deny that her life went on now.  
Of course she thought of him every day and she still missed him so badly but what had been left to do for her instead of going on.  
She went to work everyday. Did a lot of extra work to avoid spending much time at home alone. She did a lot of sports, read many books, just to not having to think about him.  
When there was nothing left to do anymore she even started to clean the entire house to notice afterwards that it hadn't been necessary at all.

In fact the house was so clean you could've been eating your dinner from the floor and it was also inviting for company but Michelle let almost nobody in.  
Of course a lot of people had offered her help after Tony had been sent to prison but in front of other people she still kept on pretending to be strong.  
The only one who knew at least a bit how Michelle felt was Jack.

He was the only one she had talked to about Tony and how she was really doing, behind the woman everybody else knew.  
In the beginning, when it had been worse than now Jack had spend some days and nights with her.  
Sometimes they had talked and sometimes they had just sat next to each other in silence. And sometimes Michelle had been lying in his arms crying and he had just tried to calm her down.

Jack had tried to get in touch with Tony, to talk to him about how Michelle was doing and about he felt about it. But Tony had told Jack only the same things that he had told Michelle.

One day Michelle just decided to stop asking herself why he was so cruel to her.

She had thought about it for too long. It seemed as if Tony was just sure that his plan was the only one that worked. But when he really believed that he was just such a fool.

Michelle was just a piece of what she had used to be, she just didn't show it in public.

Inside of her it just felt empty. But after days and weeks of crying she had decided to move on somehow.  
That was when she started to go to work again.  
From this day on she just tried to occupy herself the whole day. And even through the night if it was impossible for her to sleep.  
She had also stopped to try to get in contact with Tony.  
In the beginning she had sent him many letters. Sometimes even one letter a day. Then she had started to try and visit him. But he had always blocked her and then the point came when she realized she was too disappointed and desperate to keep on trying.

The worst time of the day was still the night. When she was lying in their bed trying to sleep.  
Often she lay awake almost the whole night. She could tell that by now she was nearly used to this.  
But she didn't bother or even complain.  
She had stopped doing this because it didn't make a difference at all. And if it did, only in the negative kind of way.

What was it good for when she kept always on asking herself the same question: Why? Why? Why?  
It was good for nothing, a discovery she had made during this hard time.

Also she had stopped to ask herself why Tony had done this.  
Why was he still avoiding her? If he still loved her?

She had realized that she would probably never find answers to these questions so why keep on asking them.

It was easier not to do.

And that's what she did now. She tried to make everything as easy as possible.  
That was why she spoke about the whole Tony-thing with almost no one. She made clear to everyone – at work, with her parents – that she didn't want to talk about it.

She didn't meet friends she and Tony had had together. 

Her everyday life just consisted of going to work, work late, eating, doing the shopping, just distracting herself from thinking and at last sleeping a bit.

It was not, however, a deep sleep she had. Most of all nights, she dreamt bad and didn't really have something that could be called sleep.  
She couldn't change it.  
Maybe it was even more than she could expect.

In fact it was easier by now to deal with the fact that she had to live without Tony and also with his ignorance which was even worse than the fact that he was in prison. But sometimes, in sentimental moments, she called Jack who was there for her while she was crying herself to sleep.

And that alone showed just how Tony's great "plan" had failed.  
She lived something nobody else on earth would call a life. Her heart was broken and no one seemed to be able to fix it again. There was only one person on earth she loved and she couldn't let go of him.  
Tony wanted her to start a new life with another man. But she knew so well that there could never be another man. That she could never stop loving Tony at least a little.

by HelloKitty  
Beta-Read: JimKeller24


	4. Try to ease the Pain

Unfortunately it took some time to go on but here's the next chapter. I hope you guys like it. Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate this and I hope to receive more feedback for this chapter.

Be completely honest with me but please review.

And I want so thank my new beta-reader Ansku. I'm so glad that she helps me and makes sure I can go on with my fanfic. Many thanks to her.

**Try to ease the pain**

Jack was sitting in a small dark room with only a table and two chairs. The window was barred. As a result of that there wasn't much light in the room.

Jack had been waiting for about 15 minutes by now. Although it didn't seem that long for him.

He was distracted by his thoughts.

He was thinking about the last night.

First he had been at home alone, eating a pizza and watching a football match on TV. Then he had got this phone call.

A completely desperate Michelle had called him and begged him to come by. He hadn't hesitated for even a second.

He could hear the urgency in her voice.

And he already knew this situation.

During the 5 months Tony had been in prison he had got many calls like this.

In the beginning he had stayed with her for a few weeks.

Then she had only called him 3 times a week and after 2 months she had almost managed to handle it alone.

But even now sometimes she still called him when it was too bad for her. Just like she had done yesterday.

And he didn't complain even if she called him in the middle of the night after a long day.

He wanted to take care of her, even wished he could do more for her.

He had promised Tony to keep an eye on her and moreover she was a good friend, a good friend in need.

After last night he had made a decision.

It couldn't go on like that. Not because he didn't want her to call him anymore, begging for help. But because he had seen how much she was still suffering, although she was pretending to be alright.

Last night he had realized that she wouldn't be able to stand this situation for many more months.

She was so weak, so tired and so broken inside.

Jack remembered just how it had been last night.

After Michelle's call he had hurried to her immediately.

When he had rang the bell it had took almost a minute until she had opened the door.

Her steps were slow; she was almost unable to stand. She was shivering so hard.

Her eyes were swollen, tears were running down her face.

"It's ok Michelle, it's ok", Jack had said and embraced her after they had closed the door again.

They stood there for a few minutes; Jack was just holding her while she was unable to stop crying.

Then they had sat down on the couch. Michelle was wearing tracksuit trousers and a t-shirt obviously belonging to Tony.

Jack had made tea for them.

"Why are you wearing his clothes?", he asked her eventually when he came back from the kitchen into the living-room carrying two cups with hot steaming tea.

She sobbed again.

"Just can't let go of him.

I was just putting my washed clothes into the dresser when my eyes got stuck on his things. All those memories came back then. I could even smell him when I took his clothes into my arms.

I just can't stand this anymore. His ignorance. I tried so hard to forget or to at least handle it somehow. And I try to block all the questions I've got. But from time to time they manage to come back and it makes me sick.

Why doesn't he answer my letters?", she was almost yelling now, "He's such a coward. If he would only be brave enough to tell me that he doesn't love me anymore. But to be left with so many unanswered questions is just killing me.

I just wish he would know what his plan is doing to me. It's making me insane.

He always said he loves me, why is he making me suffer so much? Why? Why?"

Michelle really lost control. Just letting out what she had

accumulated inside of her during the past months.

Jack had taken her in his arms again, trying to calm her down and eventually she cried herself to sleep.

He carried her into her bedroom gently. Then he sat down next to the bed to watch her sleep. He wanted to be there for her when she woke up again.

It was so hard for him to see all her grief.

How much she was suffering.

To see the façade which she usually always kept up falling down .

To see how she was really feeling inside.

He had seen what nobody else had seen, how much she was acting when she was pretending to be alright.

Because of that he was sitting in this room now.

Michelle had insisted on going to work. Jack had tried to keep her from doing this because he knew how she was feeling but he also knew that this was just her way of avoiding situations like the day before.

Going to work and distracting herself from thinking about her hopeless situation.

So after that he had made some phone calls and had managed to be able to visit Tony today.

All in all he had to wait for half an hour until they eventually led Tony into the small room.

A guard switched on a light and Jack could see Tony's face for the first time in a few months.

It was thin, he hadn't shaved for at least 3 days. He looked tired and sad.

"Hi Tony", Jack finally began.

"Hey", Tony replied carelessly.

"I will come immediately to the point and I expect you to already know why I am here, don't you?", Jack started and sounded a little to harsh but he still had the picture of a desperate and crying Michelle in his mind.

"Probably the same thing as last time", Tony said pretending to be bored.

But Jack saw through him immediately. In fact Tony didn't want to hear what Jack had to say. Because it would tell him the truth and how bad Michelle was doing. And all Tony wanted to know was that Michelle was happy.

"I know why you're acting like that. You're lying when you pretend that you are not bothered about how Michelle is doing. But I'm going to tell you something now", Jack started and he was almost yelling, "You just acted wrong but you don't believe it. When you told her never to contact you again you thought you would do something good for her. And that she would start a new life because of this. But in fact by now she doesn't even have a life anymore. She has so much grief, she cries so many tears. In fact I'm wondering how long she will be able to stand this. All she wants is answers. So your damn plan just failed as much as it could. Read her letters, call her or do anything you can but stop avoiding her!"

Tony just looked at him with his narrow eyes.

It wasn't hard to see how much he was struggling with himself.

"You still love her, don't you? Then help her or tell her that you don't love her anymore and let her really go and start a new life!"


	5. The final Decision

Thanks for the reviews. I hope it will get more. Be brutally honest with me but please tell me your opinion so that I know if it's worth to continue.

Thanks to my beta reader Ansku.

Hope you enjoy it!

**The final decision**

Suddenly Tony looked straight into Jack's face. The words must have caused a reaction in him.

Jack had just put into words what has been the aim of Tony's plan. But the words had never felt so real.

Of course Tony had thought about the different ways how Michelle's life could go on without him so often. And all of his thoughts had included several men. The thought of Michelle getting closer with one of them had driven him crazy but above all it had been what he had wanted:

she should start a new life.

Or had he just pretended to himself that he wanted that? Was it just his ridiculous way of dealing with the situation? Just closing his eyes from what was really going on to ease his mind and not to feel too guilty?

Now he wasn't so sure about his plan anymore.

Had it helped him?

Had it helped her?

Had it helped both or neither of them?

He didn't know.

Now that Jack had told him how Michelle was doing and that he should make a final decision he didn't know if he could let go of her.

When he had decided to tell her off he had thought it was the right thing to do and he never got to know how it really worked but after Michelle had stopped sending letters he thought that his plan had really worked.

And now Jack came around and ruined his foolish illusion of Michelle doing well.

Of course it wasn't true that he didn't love her anymore. He couldn't imagine what he could ever love more than Michelle. His Michelle. His beautiful wife.

On the other hand maybe he should just wait a little longer. Maybe then Michelle would be able to get over him. Maybe it was just too short time.

And if he would now tell her that he doesn't love her, maybe then she would start a new life.

Tony swallowed hard.

Although he had imagined this scene of Michelle starting a new life so often and it had made him go insane it had never been so real and so painful.

Now it was really up to him and Jack was standing there waiting for an answer. An answer Tony didn't have.

He had thought he had already made this decision 5 months ago.

Now he knew he had been wrong.

There was a short moment in which he imagined how good and beautiful it would be to see her again, to tell her how sorry he was, to hear her voice again, to receive letters from her which he would even read.

But he blocked this thought out of his mind immediately. He couldn't be so egoistic. He had to consider what would be best for her and not for him. Even if it wouldn't seem to be good for her at the first moment.

He couldn't let his love to this woman influent his decision.

It was way too important, it would change two life or maybe it already had.

"So, what is it?", Jack asked after he had watched Tony thinking for a few minutes and he still sounded a little too harsh.

But he didn't bother about his voice, because it should make clear to Tony how important this was.

But Tony didn't know what to do.

The only thing he knew was that he loved and adored this woman so much. He wanted to do everything to make her grief go away, but how?

Could he burden her with the life of a traitor's wife?

Or would it be better for her to let her suffer a little longer until she would be able to get over him and find another man?

"I can't wait forever, Tony. It's time", Jack said expecting an answer.

Tony looked to the floor and then into Jack's face.

His look was anxious, he feared to make the wrong decision. The wrong decision for her, or for him, or for both of them.


	6. Changes

**Changes**

Tony still hesitated to give Jack an answer. Because he didn't know what to say.

"What are you waiting for?", Jack asked impatiently.

Tony looked into Jack's eyes, then turned his head and faced the wall.

What was he waiting for? It was a good question? Actually he didn't know. He waited for something to happen. Maybe for a sign. For someone to tell him what to do. If there would only be a voice inside his head, giving him a hint of what he should do now.

"Don't keep me waiting", Jack almost yelled. Tony had acted like that now for almost a quarter of an hour. What was he intending to do?

Jack didn't really understand him.

But Tony didn't understand himself either.

Then there appeared another voice, but it wasn't the one Tony missed in his head.

It was the guard. He was standing now.

"The time is over", he said in his low voice.

"Do you really think that this is over?", Jack asked the guard, forgetting the situation and yelling at him as well.

"Mr. Bauer! You aren't allowed to talk to me this way. This conversation is over. I will lead Mr. Almeida back to his cell now", the guard answered with a clear but certain clay.

Jack wanted to do something. He was near to losing his control. Somehow he managed to control his temper.

"Then tell me now!", Jack yelled at Tony.

Tony stood up, he avoided looking into Jack's eyes. He just looked down at the floor and turned around to the direction of the door.

"No Tony, you won't leave without giving me an answer!", Jack shouted and took a step further towards Tony.

"Mr. Bauer. I can only warn you, stop this", the guard said now getting angry.

Tony stood in front of the door, the guard opened it.

Jack looked at Tony, unwilling to believe that he would be such a coward to leave him without any answer.

Tony took a look back, he wanted to apologize with his glance, wanted to show Jack how desperate he was. That he just couldn't tell him because he didn't know.

This decision was way too important to make it now, while he was so uncertain.

Then Tony walked through the door, followed by Jack's shouts and by the guard. He finally closed the door and led Tony back into his cell.

The cell that had been his home for so many month by now.

And Tony hated to go back. And he hated to be here, although he knew that the reason why he was here was worth it.

But what he hated most right now was himself and what he caused Michelle.

Now that he knew what was going on, he wanted to act, wanted to do something, wanted just to make her grief stop.

But he couldn't do anything.

If only he could go back into his old life, live together with Michelle, feel whole again.

While Tony was led back to his cell, Jack was still standing in the small, dark room.

He was furious. He couldn't believe what Tony had just done.

This was more than he had expected. He had left Michelle alone and now he didn't even do anything to help her.

Jack stayed there for a few minutes, somehow hoping for Tony to come back. Or find something to solve the problem.

Then he left the room and the entire building.

Outside he took a deep breath.

What should he do know? Should he hide this from Michelle? Or should he tell her and make her suffer even more?

He was in such an uncomfortable situation now. All his options were bad. He didn't want to choose.

Although he didn't exactly know what to do, he got into his car and drove in the direction of Michelle's home.

He didn't know why, but he had to go to her, to see how she was doing. And somehow he feared that he couldn't keep this from her. He couldn't just be there with her, without telling her what had happened.

When he arrived at the house he was a little reluctant to leave his car. But he forced himself to get out.

He took another deep breath before ringing the doorbell.

Although he knew that Michelle was already at home, because her car was standing there, he hoped that she wouldn't open the door, so that he had an excuse to leave and not to tell her now.

But he wasn't that lucky. Michelle opened the door very quickly.

"Hey Jack, it's good to see you. Wanted to call you in anyway", she welcomed him and gave him a hug.

"Hi", he just said.

"Come in", she told him and let him enter. He followed her into the living room.

He felt that something was different. She was different. He was wondering about what had happened.

But before he could even ask she turned around, looked at him and said: "I've made a decision. Things will change from now on!"

She said in a clear and optimistic voice and even tried a smile. It wasn't _her _charming smile that she had always had before Tony had to go prison. Since this very moment that smile was gone. But since Jack hadn't seen her smile for such along time he recognised it.

He looked into her face, curious and confused at the same time.

She was so different when he thought of how she had been the last night and the weeks and months before.

He got the impression that there was even a slight hint of hope in her eyes.

"Tell me", Jack said really anxious to hear what she had to say.

Tony was lying in his bed or the thing that was at least called _bed._

He had his arms crossed and was looking at the ceiling. He often did this when he was thinking and actually that was what he did most of the time.

But it had never been so painful.

It had never been so hard for him not to go insane.

Not to lose control.

Suddenly he got up, he looked around as if he was searching for someone. For someone to tell him what to do. But then he made his own decision.

He took his pillow and put it onto the floor. Than he lifted up his mattress to find what he had looked for.

All the letters she had sent him.

How often had he just looked at them. Just imagined how she had written them. Observed her hand writing. Smelled at them to see if it would bring her a bit nearer to him.

He put the mattress down again and sat on the bed. He was holding all the letters in his hand, still hesitating to open them but playing with that thought seriously.


	7. Guilty

_Thank you for the reviews. I really enjoy them! Hope you'll like the next chapter. _

_Again I want to thank my beta-reader Ansku and everybody who reads this._

_And as always, please leave a review when you've read this so that I know if it is worth to continue._

**Guilty**

„First you should take a seat", Michelle said and she began to get a little more uncertain. Her voice was shaking slightly, but enough for Jack to realise.

Jack did what she had said and sat down on the sofa. He glanced at her, waiting for an answer.

Michelle took the seat opposite Jack. She had decided that it would be better to sit while she told him because now she realised that it would be even harder than she had thought.

There was no optimism left in her voice and her eyes became a little dull.

She struggled with herself. Saying it out loud would make it feel so real.

It was just then when she realised that there were doubts again and she had sworn to herself to avoid doubts completely. So she took a deep breath and tried to look convinced again.

"Ok", she started. "This is not easy for me and it wasn't an easy decision", she started and Jack could hear that it wasn't easy. He could even see the fight she was fighting inside.

Although she had seemed so different just a few minutes ago, now she looked more like the old Michelle who attempted to play a role.

"Take your time", Jack said to make it easier for her.

"Ok, I've taken a major step today. After last night I decided that I can't go on like this. Not even a single day more. I've already gone too far and I can't stand this anymore. And believe me, if I had a choice, I wouldn't have done it, but it was all I could have done.

I don't want you to think that I'm cruel, or selfish or out of love. I'm not. I'm so in love I can't even tell you. But he's killing me with his behaviour. I've had to do something about it", Michelle said in an over-emotional voice and finally started to cry. It was only a few tears that ran down her face and she remained silent, but she was crying.

Jack reached out for her hands. He took one and tried to give her some strength.

Again she took a deep breath, tried to calm herself down and to continue.

"To make it short. I've visited my lawyer today", she said and paused to look straight into Jack's eyes as if she wanted to apologize, as if she wanted Jack's forgiveness and now he knew what she had done but nevertheless she said it out loud, "I've signed the divorce papers."

After she had finished this sentence she looked down, ashamed.

She felt so guilty, as if she abandoned Tony. More tears ran down her face and ended up on the floor.

Jack reached out his hand and lifted her head again. He looked into her eyes. She looked so sad, as she shivered and sobbed.

"Michelle", he said not able to say anything else. Although he had known it before she had finished her sentence he had to apprehend what had happened.

Somehow it was unbelievable because he hadn't ever imagined that she would go so far, although he didn't blame her.

"Jack", she started, still sobbing, "I still love him, do you hear me? Don't think I will ever stop, but I guess it's the only way I can change anything, my last way. I feel so guilty, but I didn't see a way out."

Jack could see how bad she felt, how guilty, as if she was a betrayer. But he could understand. He knew how difficult it was for her, but he understood her reasons.

"Michelle, Michelle…don't blame yourself. You're not guilty in anyway. And maybe what you did isn't right but it's the only thing you could do for yourself. I'll never think you're selfish or not in love, because I know that Tony will always be the most loved man. I saw you, how you were suffering, longing for him. You can never stop loving him, I know that!"

He took her into his arms to calm her down and to make her feel safe or convinced or just that she didn't feel alone.

"Maybe he'll never forgive and maybe I'll hate myself for doing this, but I have to take that risk.

The lawyer said it won't be a problem to make it fast, because of the circumstances. Tony will receive it per mail in the next days. And I'll see how he'll react. I hope he'll do the right thing."

First she had been so convinced, now she had realized what she could lose. She could lose her husband. But actually she already had, their marriage only existed on paper. She had to make it work again and she hoped that Tony would open his eyes before it would be too late.

If he wouldn't she'd probably feel guilty for the rest of her life for leaving the man who was in prison just because of her, the man she loved. The only one she had ever loved and always would love.


	8. Her last letter

**I'm sorry but it took me sometime to go on with this. But now I eventually did. So, thanks for the reviews, they're always appreciated!**

**Her last letter**

The last time Tony had wanted to read Michelle's letters he had refused. He wanted to read them so badly but he wasn't sure if he could deal with the emotions they would cause.

He knew that if he were to read what she had written he couldn't stand being apart from her anymore. But there was no way he could get to her. No way he could smell her lovely skin or touch her silky curls.

He was daydreaming again. Thinking of her and how they had lived together. The only thought that kept him alive. And although he kept this distance between himself and Michelle she was the only one that made him go through this.

Again he had her letters in his hands. His hands were shivering, his eyes watery. Oh God, how much he missed her.

Slowly he sank down onto his bed, his back against the wall, his eyes closed.

He knew it, he had to do it. He couldn't keep himself anymore from reading what she had written to him. At least one letter, her last one. He had to know what she wanted to tell the last time she wrote him. He couldn't even understand anymore, how he had managed to keep himself from doing it for such a long time.

Carefully he opened the letter. He didn't want to damage it in anyway. It was everything he had from her.

He took the letter out of the envelope and unfolded it.

Immediately he recognized her handwriting. Clearly and properly. His heart skipped a beat as he felt like it brought him a little nearer to her.

He took a deep breath and began to read:

_Dear Tony,_

_This will be the last letter I send to you. Not because I don't think of you anymore. I never could stop thinking of you in anyway. But because it breaks my heart to never get anything in response._

_I don't know anymore how many letters I sent to you, I just know that always I hopped that this time you would send anything back. In the end I always got disappointed._

_I know why you are avoiding me, and although I don't know if you will read this at all, I can tell you that none of your intentions work. _

_I'll never forget you, stop loving you or will even think of starting over with someone else._

_If you'd just let me I'd be happy to go through all of this together with you but the distance you build up between us is harder than just the fact that you're in prison._

_I just hope that you'll change your mind and let me get to you again. I miss you so much sweetheart. Even if you will keep your distance you have to know that I will always keep you in my heart._

_I will always be there for you and love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Michelle_

Tears were streaming down Tony's face. Prison had made him hard, even harder than he used to be. But now he couldn't sit without showing emotions. He hadn't even tried to force the tears back. He had just let them out.

Every word had caused a pain inside his heart. The worst pain he had ever felt. He could see that she had cried while she had written the letter. You could see a few tears that had fallen onto the paper, dabbing the ink.

It broke his heart to know that he had caused her crying.

Of course he had never pretended that she was doing well without him, but he knew that she had cried the very moment when she had written this letter.

She had cried because she missed him. And because he never sent anything back. It broke her inside that he avoided her and finally it was so clear to him.

He knew now that he had been fool. That he should have read all this much earlier. That he shouldn't have avoided her.

Finally he knew all that.

He wiped away his tears and took a deep breath again.

For a moment he played with the thought of reading all the other letters as well but he feared he couldn't bear reading much more like this.

His heart hurt enough already.

But he had made a decision. It couldn't go on like this. Not one more day.

Tomorrow he would send her a letter.

He would apologise for all the pain he had put her trough. He would beg her to be on his side again.

And the best was, he would probably see her again.

He couldn't believe why he had been so damn stupid. How had he survived like this?

Why had he wasted the time he could have spent with her?

He wouldn't waste anymore time. He wanted her back in his life completely.

If she still wanted it too.


End file.
